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Healthy and Happy Love Relationships. Originally written in 1986, and a free online guide to time-tested attitudes & tips since 2001.

Sharing Fears With Each Other

Sharing fears with each other instills a mutually protective element in your relationship. In a way, it’s similar to rooting out and diffusing a time bomb. It adds a whole new dimension, not to mention feeling, to the words "I love you". It causes you to be more gentle with, and forgiving of each other. It causes your inclination for "AH HA Syndrome" to fade quite rapidly. Most importantly, though, you develop a deep level of that special trust which is such an essential element. When trust doesn’t exist, there’s a tendency to focus on minor issues, and make them into bigger ones than warranted. This is an "ammunition gathering exercise" -- stockpiling for the day you suspect it will probably be needed to "defend the fort", or "escape from the enemy". It’s a defense mechanism. Without trust, there is always a lot more room for suspicions to grow; suspicions which trigger those fears which are at the very root of defensiveness; and that brings us full cycle -- back to square one -- back to where we didn’t want to be in the first place! Willingness to share, or not share your fears, can act as a barometer with regard to how you really feel about a person. (By "willingness", I don’t imply the natural apprehension you may feel about initiating something, and taking a step which may be unfamiliar to you.) At first it will require some courage to take that step -- since it’s not what you might normally do. However, you will find the confidence to do so if your heart tells you you’re with the right person. If you simply can’t bring yourself to open up, no matter how much you’d like to or want to or try, then your sixth sense is probably telling you something you should listen carefully to -- it’s telling you to re-evaluate the criteria upon which you based your decision to get involved with that person. If you’re honest with yourself, you will know what the truth is. A `bonus’ in taking the initiative is that you will know you are doing, and have done, your best to be sincerely and fully involved. Even if things don’t work out between you, as they sometimes won’t, you will find you develop more respect for yourself as a worthwhile partner for someone. You’ll find this helps you be patient in your search for Mr. or Ms. "Right", and to avoid temptations to make unreasonable compromises for the sake of just being with someone. What sense could there be in even beginning a relationship with someone you don’t feel you can trust? Where can you truly expect to go from a beginning like that? Don’t expect what you are not prepared to give in the first place. START TELLING YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR FEARS AND WHY THEY EXIST! If there’s little or no trust in a relationship, there’s also little or no sense of safety or progress.
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Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. — Antoine de Saint-Exupery