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Healthy and Happy Love Relationships. Originally written in 1986, and a free online guide to time-tested attitudes & tips since 2001.

Undue Suspicion in a Relationship

Relationships that begin with undue suspicion and wariness are normally short lived on account of the resulting tension between the two people. No two human beings are exactly alike regardless of any apparent similarities which may exist ...so why start out making someone else pay for another person's deeds? However, all human beings will make a mistake at times. A mistake is not an intentional wrong. The difference between intentional and unintentional actions must always be recognized. All anyone can do is apologize for a mistake, and make every effort to not make the same one again. If an event which hurt was something intentional, then "AH HA" is warranted, and after a few of those it would certainly be wise to give the whole relationship serious reconsideration. A mistake, however, is a signal to communicate -- not persecute and should not evoke unwarranted suspicion. By talking about it you have an opportunity to understand each other better, and grow from the experience. To do otherwise is to begin the process of building a needless wall between you -- one you may not be able to completely tear down later. In addition, there’s a strong possibility you will needlessly reinforce old insecurities; making things even more difficult in the future for both yourself, and the person you’re involved with. Keep the word "intent" in mind. You can use it as a reliable way of ascertaining how to react to any given event in the future. Give your partner the same latitude to be an imperfect human being as you would expect for yourself. Remember; BALANCE can only be achieved through equal give and take. Partners must learn to understand one another. It’s crucial to a happy and peaceful relationship. Most handicaps people have dealing with one another are the result or extension of fears -- fears of being hurt, used, taken advantage of, or abused in some way. Those fears were born in past events (experiences) which have modified the manner in which we instinctively react to situations and other people. Every person is the sum total of their experiences; many of which were beyond their ability or capability to control. It’s really not too difficult to see why those fears, and the instinct to protect oneself, would be at the root of most disharmony between people. I repeat this because it’s so important. If you’re aware of, and understand, the fears your partner may have, you will have taken a major step toward a better relationship overall -- a relationship with far better prospects for long term success and happiness. If you can understand WHY a person acts a certain way, it’s always much easier to determine the issue of intent; thereby reducing your "AH HA" tendency where it’s not warranted. You will learn to control your own fears and not be so subject to them, and they will fade, being replaced by newer, more pleasant memories over time.
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Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.' — Erich Fromm