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Healthy and Happy Love Relationships. Originally written in 1986, and a free online guide to time-tested attitudes & tips since 2001.

Balance Isn't 50-50

Balanced relationships are not always a "50-50" situation. Between most people it can be close, but there are some variations which should be discussed too. For example; consider a woman (we’ll call her Mary) who is very timid, who does not feel comfortable making big decisions. She eventually meets a man (let’s call him Bob) who’s very confident; who has no problem doing so. Needless to say Bob will likely make most of the decisions in their relationship -- by mutual agreement, spoken or otherwise. That can be seen as `balanced’ because it’s what Mary needed, and no capitulation is involved on her part. There’s no domination, no battle of wills -- so it’s good for both of them. As long as Bob doesn’t take advantage of her submissiveness, their balance with each other will continue. Another example could be this: Tom, a compassionate man, meets Karen. She has had a troubled childhood, and has not had great success in her adult relationships. Scars from the past still affect her significantly. She tends to be insecure, and therefore soaks up all the reassurance and attention she can get. Tom is aware of those emotional scars because Karen has told him of the experiences which created them, and is intuitive enough to understand what they can imply. He sees many things in her which are worthwhile and important to him -- things she doesn’t see in herself because of her insecurities -- and makes the decision to make every effort to reassure her of all the good he sees in her, confident she will eventually begin to recognize them also, and will therefore be freer and happier with and about herself. There is balance here also because any `compromise’ he might make is done willingly for her sake, and eventually they will reap the rewards as a unified couple. The only caution flag here is that their balance with each other will erode if she were to begin manipulating his compassion and love; as easily as it would if he were to begin implying that she "owes" him on account of his effort -- a decision he made in the first place. There are no absolute or immutable rules where people are concerned because everyone is different. Therefore different combinations of different people will require unique variations in order for them to get along, and make the most of their potential. The basic tenets of honesty, trust, sincerity, (and therefore balance) must remain central to those variations, however. Consistently applied, this will ensure preservation of harmony between you. If you’re consistent, there’s little room left to wonder where you stand; it will eliminate a great deal of stress, allowing more room in your mind for clear thought and sound decisions. You will feel confident about who and what you are, and that’s important because if you aren’t sure who you are how can you be sure who is right for you? Unfortunately for all of us, there are certain people who do intentionally use, abuse, dominate, manipulate, and hurt other people, to further their own ends, (due to their own insecurities). These people gravitate toward those they perceive as weaker than they. When you’re happy with yourself, and confident of who and what you are, you’re not the type of individual they will seek out, or stay with -- unless you allow them to. You cannot be everything to someone else any more than they can be everything to you. So, there is as much risk of creating imbalance this way as there is in selling yourself short, and compromising too much. Good communication should allow you to be honest with your partner about your weaker areas. You may find your partner has a strong suit there which will compensate. Conversely, you may have a strength your partner doesn’t. Whichever way it goes, there are principally two benefits in doing this. First; it will avoid a situation where one person is letting the other down due to false expectations. Secondly, neither person will be enduring the pressure of trying to always appear proficient in every way -- living a facade such as that is entirely stressful, and stress in a relationship should be relieved wherever possible. In areas where both of you share the same weakness, you can work on whatever it is together; thereby reducing the `work load’ required to get it done. Doing things together is a way of being important allies to each other in a common cause. It enhances your respect for each other, and you may even learn some new skills, or good habits with each other.  
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Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. — Lao Tzu